20 April 2013

ambition

Damn chocolate chip waffles, you're good.

Pumpkin and I slept in a bit. It was a nice, chilly night to be snuggled up under the covers.

I had work dreams last night. Not stressful, wake up with your jaw hurting dreams, but work dreams nonetheless. I was woken up in the middle of one by a call from Chris. That's like, twice in three days that we've talked. And one day they randomly found a wifi signal in the middle of the woods, so we got to text a little bit. Feelin' pretty good about all the hearings from the hubby.

It occurred to us that in all the years, he's never been able to attend the annual bazaar. I find that very strange.

At the moment, I have no lofty aspirations. I have no personal goals. I simply just am.

I don't know how I feel about that. I've always been working towards one thing or another.

Not that I'm completely devoid of ambition. I have professional goals & am very productive at work. My mind is always going during my standard workweek, but when I clock out, I don't think much more about it.

Shouldn't I always be productive? Should I be working towards something outside of work? Or should I continue to choose to cherish the moments of respite & relaxation?

I like to do a little bit of a lot of things, but I haven't found a hobby that I like doing enough to do it all the time.

Except shopping. But I don't have the money for that.

I feel like I can't just spend my free time aimlessly floating around doing whatever tickles my fancy at the moment. Don't get me wrong- I do enjoy it, but I feel kinda guilty about it.

I've felt selfish lately. I do whatever I want, whenever I want to, and I don't give a crap about what anyone else thinks about it. I'm torn between thinking that it's my life and it's okay to do that, and feeling like I'm obligated to consider what everyone around me wants when it involves me.

I've been mulling around the idea of going back to school lately. I mean, I know I'll eventually have to do it- a Bachelor's degree will hardly get you anywhere in the long term nowadays. The thing is, I should probably pay off my current student loans before I go piling on more. And I'm not exactly thrilled about the idea of adding school-related stress back into my life. 

Maybe I just need to stop comparing myself to people who are simply more ambitious than I am, and go back to enjoying my chocolate chip waffles and sleeping till noon on Saturdays.

1 comment:

Drew said...

Yes. All the stuff about ambition and guilt and selfishness, yes. I don't know what the right answer is, but I know I've felt that way and actually just talked to a friend who has recently been feeling this way. So at least we are being ambitiousness together, right? By doing it together, it's sorta like we ARE doing something. Problem solved! :)