This off feeling that I can't shake? I think the natural depression that I've been fighting since Chris left 3 years ago is finally sneaking up on me.
I can't get out of bed in the mornings, I'm melancholy, I don't want to do anything or see anyone, except my mom or sister. I call it natural because I think it's a normal reaction when the person you want to spend every day with for the rest of your life is nowhere to be found, just out of reach, for literally years. I've always been aware that this might happen, and have managed to never completely give in, and I'll be damned if it overwhelms me now.
I will not let it take over. Admitting it feels like a weakness, but I think finally acknowledging the problem instead of trying to deny it will help. Instead of whining and then peppering with optimistic phrases, it's time to straight up say that I'm starting to feel depressed. Ok... I've felt this way for a while, and I think I've only been fooling myself.
That being said, it's time to make some changes. While large changes seem to weaken my defenses (like the past few months...), small changes seem to revive my resolve. Spending the evening on the back porch enjoying the weather, feeling the breeze in my leg hairs (hey, deployment) and contemplating what kind of changes I need to make with a glass of wine.
Also, I love cooking bacon but I hate how the house smells like it for hours afterwards.
I am a strong woman.
I so appreciate this post. Ugh, I had such a hard time actually admitting out loud that *I* was *depressed* for the first time. That's what happens to other people, you know? And I also felt like if I admitted I was depressed, that that meant I'd be depressed FOR LIFE. Like it's an incurable disease and once you are down, you're down. Neither of my misconceptions were true.
ReplyDeleteI hope this funk doesn't last for too long. Good vibes are being sent your way now, and pretty much always. :)