and other drugs

There is not a single complaint in this post. It's just stuff that's tumbling around in my head. 95% of the time I'm walking around happy as a clam.

Ok.

I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around Chris changing from acting aloof for so many years to acting completely dedicated. He never falters. It's weird. He's even writing shmoopy stuff on facebook. Talk about a complete 180. At first I thought it was cute and fun and exciting... and fleeting. But it's become a regular thing. And I started to think, whoa, he might finally be for real. What a massive concept to let sink in.

It's ironic that the most he's ever been committed is when he's not here.

I mean, I know he's gotten a realistic dose of his own mortality and a lot of things have been put into perspective for him lately. Can you blame me for taking it with a grain of salt? We haven't exactly had a smooth history.

Trying to reason. I guess when you have no contact, no quiet moments, no reassuring touches, and all you've got is long-distance words, you have to solidify your stance and turn up the shmoop a notch to get the point across.

I don't want him to stop acting like this, but it's just so out of character for him, historically. Especially because he's so public about it. Private commitment is nothing new coming from him. He used to tell me he loved me all day long, but never when anyone else was around. And vice versa.

Recently all of his friends know, all of his new marine buddies know, his family pretty much considers me a given, my mom adores him, and now that it's on facebook, all of my friends are seeing it. It's like, everybody we know is aware of our relationship. You know, the one where we've seen each other a total of 7 days in the past year?

I think it was easier with our on-and-off relationship because it wasn't so public and we'd just do our thing under the radar. Maybe I'm subconsciously scared that once it's this public, that if it doesn't work again it will be a big deal because everyone knows about it? Before it would be like, "Oh yeah, Chris and I aren't together anymore" and like 5 people knew. No big deal.

In my gut I do see this working long term. I mean, I've always been irresistibly drawn to the guy. Make no mistake that whatever doubts I have, I'm crazy about him and that hasn't changed. It's taking a while for me to accept that he's changed.

And he has changed. I could tell while he was still in Hawaii and I saw it when he was home. I can hear it in the very tone of his voice that he's changed. I can see it in his posture, in his eyes. I could feel it when I hugged him. I can just tell that all of his best qualities are no longer shadowed by whatever was weighing him down before. He's... brighter. Lighter. Happy. I don't feel like it's lurking under the surface anymore.

I still can't help but wonder if it's permanent. There were times in the past where I thought he was better but deep down I knew that the switch could flip and, it did. I guess I'm still waiting for the switch.

He says it won't happen again, with such assurance and confidence and strength that I want to believe it. Can I be so naive to think that it couldn't happen again? The only difference this time is that for once, after 5 years, his actions match his words.

When he was home, we had a conversation and he made it crystal clear, no iffy words about it, that he wanted to marry me. And that he'd been thinking about it for a long time. That's definitely something that past Chris would never have suggested.

I pretty much expected it, with the recent change in his behavior. Although I can see it happening and have every intention of being with him for a long time, I made it very clear that I'm not in any hurry.
One, if it happened, it wouldn't happen until after he came back and we get a chance to live together. No reason to get crazy with the mention of marriage.
Two, I've seen lots of friends getting married and starting families and it's made me realize that it's not what I want. At least not right now. Especially the baby part. I can eventually do marriage, but I don't know if I'll ever want children. Why do I want the opposite of most of the people I know? That's a blog post for another day, once I figure it out.

So anyway, there's no real great way to wrap up this long, probative post, except to say I'm glad it's the weekend!