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I wasn't even sure if I should write about this, to give it any credit.

I haven't heard from Chris since a month ago when he bought me dinner and I gave him his stuff back. (he insisted on buying me dinner, btw) When we were saying goodbye, he asked if he would see me soon, and I just shrugged. Knowing him, it would not be soon. And I was right.

I got a text message saying Happy Easter, but that was it. I did not expect to hear from him again, at least not for a very long time. I was actually happy about that. It's been a very drama-free month.

Out of the blue he texted me Friday and Saturday, but I was busy all weekend. Last night he called me and wanted to get coffee. I've been doing really well with not seeing or hearing from him, so I was really hesitant to go and stir up old emotions. He was insistent, even offering to drive and pay, and I reluctantly agreed. I mostly agreed because I was curious why he all of a sudden wanted to hang out.

We ended up having coffee, talking outside, but when it started to rain he suggested that we go back to my place and hang out. I thought it was wierd that he didn't just end the night, but he came over and hung out for about an hour. He played with Pumpkin and we talked.

I have been forever torn by the contradictory things he does. The only difference between now and then is, I used to get sad when he pulled this stuff; now I just get angry.

I don't hear from him for weeks, then he randomly texts me, using his pet name for me, and wants to take me out to dinner? What kind of crap is that?

He was neither overly affectionate nor distant. He didn't hint at anything regarding our relationship. It was almost as if the scene was plucked from some night back when we were dating, minus any physical affection. Just casual, natural conversation.

And of course he was in a great mood, joking around and just being the Chris that I know. That's the hardest part, because when he's himself it's as if nothing was ever wrong. Too bad the rest of the time he's withdrawn and useless.

He's thinking about joining the Marines, which I personally think is a great idea. Other than that, things are pretty much the same as they were when we broke up- up and down. The best I can figure is he called because he was having and "up" night and wanted some company.

What am I supposed to do now, figure out how to be friends with him? That would be the mature thing to do. The only thing I can do is go back to my life until he randomly contacts me again, then decide where to go from there.

I'm not going to lie, I still have feelings for him- when he's himself. But I'm not an idiot, and even if he called me today saying that he made a mistake and we should date again, I would definitely say that's a bad idea. Nothing has changed that would make a relationship with him now any different from before. I think he realizes that too.

The best thing about this is, I'm totally done letting him hinder my life. I'm not dating right now because I need a break from complicated. Let me be clear: there's no broken heart here. If I meet someone who looks promising, I'm not going to hesitate because of a lingering 'what if' regarding Chris. As far as I'm concerned, there have been more than enough chances for that.

So, I thought a blog would help clear out all the thoughts generated from that, and it has.