shy

I think it's wierd the way my confidence fluctuates.

I am naturally shy, but like most shy people, once you get to know me I open up. I think it stems from always being the new kid in school, when everyone always looks at you and you're the NEW KID. Then you have to try and make friends with people that already have friends. It was tough putting myself out there. Then I was the socially awkward kid who wore hand-me-downs and grew boobs at 12 years old and had a messed up grill and couldn't control my frizzy hair.

As a result, I don't like to be the center of attention. My goal in life was, and still is, to blend in. I don't like all the attention to be on me. An example: I loved dance team. I think I danced my absolute best during group routines, but every solo I performed left me a nervous wreck. I'd be shaking so hard I'd lose my balance during turns. I still did them because I knew it'd be good for me.

Most of my friends don't know I'm shy because I try really hard to act like I'm outgoing and friendly. I've worked over the years to loosen up and be open to a crowd of new people- and I've met some really great friends because of it. I've gotten better at talking to people before class and inserting myself into conversations gracefully. By purposefully trying to act like I'm not shy, I've gotten better at appearing like I'm not and being more comfortable in situations where my first instinct would be to hide. I've also learned that sometimes people mistake shyness for snobbiness, and that is definitely not what I want to be portraying.

But there are some times when I crawl back into my shell and feel like I'm back in middle school being picked on and I think everyone's judging me.

Like today. In my biodiversity class you can bring in news articles and give a 3o second presentation for extra credit. I brought one in earlier in the semester, and I mustered up the courage to stand up in front of the class. Before I could say 5 words about it, my prof said someone had already done that one and I couldn't do it. So it was a tad embarassing and I sat back down.

Today I had another article and I got so anxious that I couldn't bring myself to raise my hand and present it. Also, 75% of the time in that class we read papers and have a class discussion about it. We put our chairs in a huge circle and discuss the paper. I've participated, and I think I've had intelligent things to say every time. But I get so nervous before I pipe up that I don't even know what I'm saying- I'm just saying words while adrenaline is pumping through my overly pressured blood vessels and I try not to think about the class looking at me. Afterwards I sit there and listen to other people contribute through the roar in my ears until I calm down.

Then other times I can get up in front of people comfortably. For instance, I had no problem talking and teaching in front of 40 girls in dance team. I've also given speeches in class that I've been a little nervous for but I kicked ass. I've volunteered to solve problems on the board in my Cal 2 recitation and been perfectly ok. The thing is, I really have to know what I'm doing to feel confident enough not to choke.

It does fluctuate with my confidence. The more confident I am, the less shy I am. I guess my confidence has taken a slight blow lately, but it's always on its way back up.